Finding comfort
Exercise: Take a breath. Sit for a minute just breathing. Now start writing. What are some of the losses and hurts that you have experienced in the last year or few months? Can you think of examples with people to whom you are close as well as hurts that come from the larger world? Write them down without judgement; leave that list somewhere easy to find for next week.
Background I had a difficult interaction with someone recently. I was hurt and sad. When I got home, I told Carol about what happened. I prefaced my description by saying, “its fine.” And when I was done telling the story I reiterated that “it was fine.” I told her I wasn’t sharing the story because I was upset, but to let her know what happened.
In reflecting on this, I believe I was out of touch with my hurt feelings and not sure how to manage them. So I was trying to will those feelings away, to simply say that this had happened and it was okay. I wanted to make it more about what I was going to do, or who I need to update, than about what it was that I was feeling.
There are so many moments when we experience hurt and loss. Sometimes that comes from the larger world and the violence and anger that seems so present in so many places. Equally it arises from our more intimate relationships. The question is: what do we do with the hurt? How do we find comfort?
When we fail to find comfort, we become distanced from our own feelings with two main outcomes. One is to transfer the hurt to someone else. We may find anger arising with no clear reason and then lash out at someone else because of the way we were hurt. Second, and even more damaging long term, we become numb. We become distanced from our feelings and lose our capacity for compassion towards others.
In the Jewish calendar, the months of the summer are dedicated to consolation. The Prophetic words we read each Shabbat invite us into a sense of God bringing comfort to the broken hearted. Isaiah in particular reminds us that we are never alone and that there is a source of comfort greater than any we have ever known.
I suggest we begin by simply noticing those hurt places and wounds we have experienced. We are not okay, and we need to leave room for the brokenness and the loss. Maybe this week we can start by writing and letting ourselves acknowledge that indeed there is much for which we crave comfort and consolation.
Wishing you a Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi David Booth
